Yes its me its me the one n only Me!

I have been purchasing books for the past couple of months

Books for my classroom library, books that my kids will be able to read and enjoy and ask questions and wonder why.

When I think of having my own classroom and teaching my own class I know its the perfect destination, I am just not sure of which path to take to get there.

A simple phone call would allow your entire family to relax a little.

Pick it up, dial a number, any number and tell us that you are okay, alive, and safe.

I do not think some people in your family will be able to get over this if something happens to you.

I was ready to try and make the house possibly feel a lil more like home. Then this happened and I am not sure that things will ever be the same. You need to be okay, and you Need to call. Please come home Tom. Sarah. Please.

There is something scary but serene about walking into a swimming pool at night.

The way the light reflects off the bottom of the pool will forever remind me of those first summers I spent w/ my Dad at his New house in Fl.

The grass is not always greener on the other side, but I find comfort in that decision because I know that when I decided to move in w/ my Dad, my Mom was able to become the amazing, wonderful, loving mother she is today. My little sister was able to enjoy those benefits, and I would not change anything because the relationship I have w/ my Mom is priceless!

I wish I could say that since it has been almost 4 years since my Dad and step-mom separated / divorced that things have gotten easier, but I am not going to lie.

Some things I have learned to deal with and move on, but I am really beginning to realize some life changing things. I never thought that I would want someone out of my life forever. All the pain, it hurts so badly, I just think that if I could / would cut off all ties, things would become easier.

How do you tell someone that has practically raised you, someone that you have known your entire life, someone that I am grateful to and love very much, that I do not want to have anything else to do with them.

How?

I have felt so overwhelmed lately

I seem to have gotten myself into a financial mess..I am slowly getting out of it, but it is not a comfortable feeling. I hate money. I hope that one day I will be able to work at my dream job, and make enough money to afford what I need and to live comfortably. I do not expect to be rich, I just want to know that I have some money in the bank for emergency's.

I am nervous about school staring, I will be taking 16 credit hours, and I have never taken more then 12. I have to pay for my books, manage the classes, and work 30 hours.

I feel really nervous, overwhelmed, and way to grown up. Nervous really is not the best word to describe how I feel, anxious is better. Anxious and Nauseous.

This is me ranting and complaining, hopefully when I wake up tom. at 5:45! I will be able to find some peace in the sun rise. Please?

I had a panic attack yesterday.

It came out of no where, and I could not breath.

I guess not thinking about all the shitty things that have happened between my parents is not enough. I do not know what to do because it hurts like hell to think about it.

I feel like I have been lost, a lot of things are still really screwed up but I truly feel like I can take some control over certain situations, and I plan to. There is so much that I want to do and see and change. I am going to take it one day at a time. Things are changing, I really feel it is for the better.

I just finished "My daughters keeper", it opened my eyes. One bad decision shaped the rest of his life. I feel that if he would have spoken up, everything would have worked out, and he would not have caused his family so much pain.

One part of my wants to believe that Love can fix it all, unfortunately that has been disproved to me time and time again.

I am not sure but I think that communication is the key to happiness, perhaps, communication and love.

Lets do the time warp again!!!!

As far back as I can remember I have been preparing for my future.
Preparing, preparing, preparing...
What for, only to reach one point so that I can prepare for the next
Graduation, moving out, Graduating w/ my AA, soon my BA
Is that all I am going to do for the rest of my life?
Preparing to be prepared for my future job, only to prepare more for a promotion?
When does it stop?

Experiences and Time change people,
but what if the person they have become is one that I never want to know.
Daddy I miss you, Im sorry your so bitter, and so sad
but Please get back to being my dad, I really miss the carefree funny you.
I wish I could show you the person you are becoming.
It hurts to watch, and it hurts even more to know there is nothing I can do.

I dont know what scares me more;

the fact that I think I have found the one person who makes me whole,
the one person who knows how to calm me down,
and forces me to talk things through,
the one person who I can see myself falling more in love with every day for the rest of my life.

Or that morning that I fear
waking up and realizing that we were not meant to be
that the past four years have been wonderful but they have to end
because we were not meant to be.

I don't believe people "fall" out of love, either they were never in love
or they simply stopped trying

I suppose that belief is comforting,
but of the idea of
"we are not meant to be"
scares the hell out of me.

People say
"dont marry the person you can live with, marry the person that you can not live with out"
What so wrong with marrying the person you can live with...my parents sure as hell didnt, and they did not last.

I guess what I am getting at, is people can love one another but the "idea" of being in love comes and goes, its the commitment to one another that makes that love for the other person enough to help you to stick it out until you "fall" back in love with that person.
Why is it so hard to keep a commitment?

The small things
like dancing like no one is watching,
holding hands,
kisses on the forehead,
singing in the car,
watching a child learn,
or seeing people who are in love
help us to get through the bad times :)
Keep your head high, and focus on the happiness

I keep telling myself that this is going to get easier
stupid little things bring back memories
but now all the memories are becoming painful
this sucks, thats the only word I can use to describe this feeling.

I need days like yesterday to remind me of how lucky I am.

When I wake up and he is lying next to me, I dont realize how much I need him, its the next time I wake up and hes not there that it really hits me.

Lazy days full of hugs and kisses are what keeps me sain.

I know that life is going to continue to get crazier but its comforting to know that hes going to be there for me.

It may seem naive but I honestly feel that he will be there no matter what.

Life is changing, people are changing, I just hope that we continue to change together.

Parents can really F*ck their children up to say the least...

some people should not be allowed to be parents!

Everyone should take a few minutes in their day and just watch everyone

If you are like me you will be pretty pissed off after wards.

When did parents stop teaching their children to respect other people, I would love to know when this missing link of "common decency" flew out the window.

What happened to treat others how you would like to be treated, or love thy neighbor as you love yourself...encase everyone has not noticed, we need each other to survive. Emotionally and Mentally.

Do me a favor, do something nice for someone today, even if it is just letting someone come out in front of you in a parking lot.

The world is a cruel enough place with out us doing cruel things to each other.

At first thought, "I was an angry child but I turned out just fine."

and then some rude person caused me to realize that I have been permanently scarred bc of fear of being put on the spot, and not being good enough.

I feel like this "trama" occurred in the later years of my adolescence but none the less as much as I tried she really did GET to me.

I really hope that I am just being emotional.

This chapter is comming to an end,
but I doubt that I am ready to start the next.
With any good book, you can not just stop reading you have to continue.
Im scared, but I feel prepared...i think.

This feeling is new to me
Ive been angry but this is an anger that comes from being hurt
I hurt so badly that I can not explain it
All those years, memories, fights, laughs, gone.

It all seems so wrong, and I will always think that it is.
I make myself sick because in my head Ive talked myself into being okay with it
but in the end my heart will win this battle and I dont know what the outcome will be.

I can not wish that it would all go back to what it use to be, because that was horrible.
I can only wish to find peace, for you to find peace, for him to find peace, for every single person yall have brought into this to find peace.

I do not like to talk about it because of the way it makes me feel,
this anger is indescribable, I do not even know where to start because I have never felt this way before.
I am not blaming just you, it hurts, you have hurt me and you have been hurt.
We all have and will continue to have scars I just pray that one day my scars will heal properly because I feel that right now that are just scabs over wounds that are bound to open up over and over again until I can figure out how to bandage them correctly.

So until then, I will walk quietly, step cautiously, and pray that it will all work out in the end.

So basically I love the boy!

Some days go by when I second guess our relationship and that might be bad, but I think it might just really be reality saying "hey real life is not make believe"

But when Its all said and done, and I have days like today I know that our love is true, and our connection will always be there.

So everyone has heard the saying when it rains it pours
Everyting that is going on in my life feels like a sunami
Every one I know is going through something, and Ive decieded that life sucks right now.

When you cant go home because its not your home
Your getting a divorce
Your spliting up with someone you've been with for two years
or when you are despratly trying to make money so you can survive.

Its all around me, struggle and heart ache
and all I can do is fight.
Im fighting and fighting and fighting, and I just feel like I am going around and around.

I just wish you would fight, I know that you can do more but you choose not too.
Im tired of being the nagging bitch, but your not doing everything you could, and I want you to succeed.
Is that so bad? You keep doing stupid things that you shouldnt, I feel like I am your mom because Im constantly pointing them out to you. I dont want to play that role, but I honestly feel like you wouldnt do anyting if I didnt.

IM still Pissed off, and I just dont want to deal with any of it. Infact I think its a better idea to just work work work untill Im too tired to think about it any longer.